


Becoming Us

by shuckinminewt



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bronan friendship, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Getting Together, M/M, gansey is fine okay, no ones dying, smut in later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-23 16:24:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6122371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuckinminewt/pseuds/shuckinminewt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Adam is dreaming of a certain angry tattooed-boy and Ronan picks the worst time ever to come out.</p>
<p>This is a story of Ronan and Adam coming to terms with who they are and what they feel for each other. <br/>And in this fic Gansey is NOT going to die and everyone is happy and alive and OKAY?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Watch and a Confession

 

**Adam:**

Adam Parrish has been dreaming. Slowly, it's been driving him insane. Normally by the time he finally crashes he's too damn tired to dream anything, but lately he's been dreaming. And it's always about the same damn boy.

When Adam woke up, his heart was pounding and he was sweating. He immediately looked over the edge of his bed, and was relieved to see that Ronan was still passed out on his floor. He lied back down on his back and closed his eyes.

The dream had felt so real. He swore he could still feel the rough hands on his body. Pale skin against his. The dark lines of a tattoo.

Last night's dream hadn't even been a dirty one, and he wasn't sure if that was better or not. It'd just been him and Ronan, lying together in Adam's bed. They were shirtless, but they weren't doing anything. They were just holding each other, and giving each other lazy kisses. Ronan-Dream Ronan-was flattering him with unrealistic compliments. Something the real Ronan would sooner be ran over by a bus than do.

Adam groaned and rubbed his eyes. On the one side he was grateful that it wasn't like the dream he'd had a few nights ago (one that had left him with sticky sheets,) but these kinds of dreams freaked him out too.

You see, lately Adam Parrish has been spending a lot time thinking about Ronan Lynch. At first when he stumbled upon the fact that Ronan had a crush on him, Adam simply thought he liked the idea because he liked being liked. But then...

Adam started to really think about Ronan. About shopping cart rides and trips to the barns and learning to drive stick-shift. About ridiculously long strings of swear words and dumb mixtapes. About that wicked smile and the thrill it gave Adam when he caused it. About Ronan.

"Are you having a stroke or something, Parrish?"

Adam jumped at Ronan's raspy morning voice. He let his hands drop from his eyes and turned his head to look at Ronan. "No, I just... Weird dreams" he said awkwardly.

Ronan grunted and stretched. Adam averted his eyes from where his t-shirt rode up on his stomach. "Did you bring anything back from them?"

Adam gave a small smile. "Nah," he said. "You're the Greywaren. I'm the Magician."

Ronan smirked at him. "Oh yeah, that's right."

Adam leaned over the edge of his bed and smiled at Ronan. "You bring anything back from your dreams?"

Instead of answering, Ronan rolled over and pulled the blanket up and over him. "Don't you have to get to work or something?"

Adam groaned. "Yeah," he sighed. "I'm going to get in the shower. I'll be at Monmouth's later though." He added the last part because he knew Ronan would be gone by the time he got out of the shower. Ronan wasn't much for lingering in the morning. Adam suspected it was because Gansey got worried about him.

And so when Adam got in the shower he allowed himself a few minutes to think about his dream. About what he wanted. About if Ronan could ever actually he the guy that Adam dreams about. Was he blowing this all out of proportion? Did Ronan even like him romantically, or was it just a physical thing? Since when did Adam even think this way about a _boy_?

But really, Adam didn't have time to find answers to all those questions because he had to get to work and he didn't even know how long he had since his stupid cheap watch broke the other day.

So Adam got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around himself, and walked out into his apartment to find Ronan gone, and a watch lying on the ground where Ronan had slept.

Maybe Ronan had pulled something out of his dreams after all.

* * *

**Ronan:**

Ronan seriously has no idea how or why this happened, but it did. Why he said these words to Blue of all people makes absolutely no sense to him. For fuck's sake, he hadn't even said them to himself yet. What drove him to do it-he didn't know. He's convinced it wasn't a conscious decision. It's just a thing that happened beyond his control.

It all started because Ronan told Blue to calm down after a store clerk called her "little lady" and offered to carry her bags because "a little thing like her shouldn't have to carry all that."Thus began one of her angrier feminist rants. Gansey had run back inside the store to grab some crap he'd forgotten to pick up which left him alone with Blue to argue with.

Ronan was getting pretty pissed off by the end of her rant. She was making him out to be a sexist when really that wasn't what he meant at all. And so when she yelled "This is pointless! You're a white man! You'll never understand!"

He retorted "Is that so?"

"Obviously!" she yelled. "When have you ever been prejudiced against?"

Maybe he had a particularly small amount of patience for Blue that day, or maybe he actually wanted to tell someone for once, or maybe the day-old take out he scarfed down for breakfast was doing weird things to his brain. Whatever the reason-he doesn't know-he looked Blue dead in the eye and said "I'm gay."

As soon as he said it he wanted to grab the words out of the air. _What the fuck? What the actual fuck?_

Both he and Blue froze at the words. Blue had her mouth open and her hand in the air. Obviously, she had some type of snippy response to what she expected him to say, but evidently she was next expecting him to randomly come out to her. Well, neither was Ronan. They held eye contact for what felt like an eternity, neither of them knowing what to say or do.

"What is going on here?" They broke the gaze to turn and see Gansey walking up to them holding an ungodly amount of shopping bags. "I told you two to stop fighting! I really think if you guys gave it a try you could be friends!"

"Oh, don't you worry, Dick," Ronan said as he opened the door to the BMW. "I was just baring my soul to the Maggot, here. She's a great fucking listener." He didn't wait around to see their reactions. He simply climbed into his car and drove the fuck away from Blue and the truth that she now knows.

* * *

**Adam:**

Adam stared at the watch on his wrist. It wasn't anything extravagant, but it wasn't anything he could afford on his own. He would've had to save for a few months to buy it. Guilt nibbled away at him, and a part of him was screaming to give it back to Ronan.

Another-louder-part of him told him to get over it. Ronan didn't pay for it after all, and what would it look like if he gave it back? If he shoved Ronan's gesture right back into his face?

"And that would make sense, because- Hey, Adam? Are you listening to me?"

Adam snapped his gaze away from his watch and back to Gansey. In all honesty, no, Adam wasn't listening. He couldn't even tell you what Gansey was talking about. Probably Glendower. Adam couldn't help it, he was distracted.

"Um-"

"Is that a new watch?"

Gansey gestured to Adam's wrist. Adam self-consciously hid his wrist in his lap. "Yeah," he said. "The other one broke."

Gansey nodded and let it go. Of course he did because why would Gansey bat an eye at a watch?

"So, uh, where's Lynch?" he asked casually. He'd been working his way to that question since he got here. Adam had told Ronan he'd be here later, so why wasn't Ronan here? Not that it mattered anyways. He was here to see Gansey.

Gansey sighed. "He's off somewhere driving off his anger" he said.

Adam frowned. "What's he mad about this time?"

Gansey scrunched his noise in an expression that was equal parts concern and irritation. "I don't know," he said. "He and Blue fought about something earlier today. Ronan stormed off and Blue wouldn't tell me what it was about. I called him a bunch of times , but he didn't answer."

"No surprise there" Adam mumbled in response. He checked the time. He had to leave for work in a few minutes.

Gansey plucked a leaf off his mint plant and stuck it on his tongue. He thought to himself for a moment, and Adam let him. Gansey spent a lot time in his head. "Was he at your place last night?"

Adam gave a nod as a response.

"That's good," Gansey said. "He never tells me where he is. I worry, you know? He hasn't really... Not since Kavinsky died... But..."

"Yeah," Adam said, not making Gansey say it. The possibility that Ronan's wild side had died with Kavinsky. Gansey knew it and Adam knew it, but neither of them could say it because then they'd be dangerously close to admitting that they were glad Kavinsky was gone. Because they weren't. Adam was by no means happy that a teenager killed himself. But he also didn't like the person Kavinsky turned Ronan into. "I'll text you. From now on... When Ronan crashes at my apartment."

Gansey gave him a small smile. "Thanks," he said. Adam met his gaze, and suddenly he could feel the weight of all the unsaid things between them. "Blue's coming over soon."

Adam broke the gaze. "I got to get to work."

"Okay" Gansey said, and Adam knew he wasn't disappointed that Adam wouldn't be there.

"Text me if Ronan ever comes home and he and Blue murder each other" he said.

Gansey gave a small laugh. "Don't worry," he said. "I will."

* * *

**Blue:**

Blue was fully aware that Ronan was avoiding her, but she was sick of it. She didn't necessarily want to be Ronan's BFF, but she needed to fix this. She'd been shocked at his confession to her, and she hadn't known what to say. She'd been completely thrown off by it, but that didn't mean she cared. She was by no means a homophobe, and she didn't want Ronan to think that she was. She needed to be able to tell him that it's okay. That her silence after his confession wasn't judgement.

So after letting herself into Monmouth, she walked over and stood in front of the couch where Gansey and Ronan were sitting. She crossed her arms and announced, "We're going for a drive."

Gansey perked up and smiled at her. "Let me grab my keys."

"No," she said. "Not you." She made eye contact with Ronan, who met her glare with nothing but anger, but that was typical Ronan. She wasn't about to be scared. "Well," she said. "Let's go."

There was a moment of silence, and Gansey looked back and forth between them. "What?"

Finally, Ronan looked away and snorted. "Fuck off, Maggot," he said. "I've got shit to do that doesn't involve driving you around."

"Sitting around wallowing in your teen angst does not count as 'shit to do,'" she declared. "Now grab your keys and _let's go._ "

She met his eyes again, and this time his gaze wavered. There was something else there. Fear, maybe. Anxiety. It made Blue uncomfortable. She preferred the anger.

"Fine" Ronan snapped. He stood up off the couch and grabbed his keys. As Blue followed him out of Monmouth she heard Gansey say, "I do not understand what just happened."

* * *

They drove in silence for a long time, but Blue didn't push it. She just let Ronan drive. If she was being honest, she was nervous as to how this conversation was going to go, too. Eventually, Ronan pulled off into a field and parked the car. The sun was setting, painting the sky into a rainbow of colors.

There's even more silence, until Ronan finally said "Have you told anyone?"

Blue doesn't even pretend not to know what he's talking about. "No" she said.

"Are you going to?"

"No," she said. She glanced at him. He was pointedly staring out the window, doing anything he could not to let her see his face. "It's not mine to tell." Ronan gave a small nod in response. Blue swallowed and pushed on. "Who have you told?"

Ronan chewed on his leather bracelets. "You."

Blue's eyebrows shot up at that. She wasn't expecting to be the only one. She figured Gansey knew, or maybe his family. "Seriously?" she asked before she could help herself.

Ronan glared at her. "It's not something I'm about to announce to the whole fucking world," he snapped. He looked pissed off, but then he stopped himself. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. As he did that, Blue realized that he was _trying_. Ronan Lynch was actually _trying_ to open up to her. She looked out the window to see if pigs were flying. "I think Noah knows," he said after a while. "But I didn't fucking tell him. And... Kavinsky knew."

"Oh..." she said. She thinks for a moment and... _Oh_. "Were you and Kavinsky...?"

"No!" Ronan snapped, but then he took another moment to collect himself. "No, not really. Nothing ever happened... I think he wanted... But I... No. Nothing happened."

Ronan looked incredibly uncomfortable, and Blue wanted to do something to make him feel better. "Oh," she said dumbly. "You probably made a good call on that one. You can do better."

Ronan snorted in response. She figured it was the closest to a laugh she'd get from him. They fell into silence again, neither of them knowing where to take the conversation. Eventually, though, Ronan broke the silence again. "I'd never said it out loud before."

Blue took a moment to process what he said. She has so many questions, but the one that wins is "Why did you tell me?"

Ronan shrugged. "I don't fucking know," he said. "Maybe because I thought you were the least likely to hate me for it. And if you did, I'd get over it."

"But if Gansey or Adam did...?" Blue lets the question hang in the air. It's obvious what Ronan means. If Gansey or Adam rejected him for who he was, he wouldn't recover. "They won't," she said after a while. "They love you, and they'll love you no matter what. This doesn't change anything about who you are."

Ronan glanced at her, but then he just shook his head and stared back out the window. "I'm serious," she said. "What's it matter if you like girls or boys? It doesn't change anything. I still think you're the same angry asshole jerk-wad I thought you were a week ago."

Ronan snorted again at that. "Great," he said. "Your acceptance means so much, maggot." He said it sarcastically, but she had a feeling he meant it. Ronan Lynch didn't lie, after all.

 


	2. Yet Another Confession

**Ronan:**

Adam's wearing the watch.

He's been using the hand lotion too. Ronan can tell. He doesn't mean too, but he constantly finds himself staring at Adam's hands. Even more so lately because now Ronan's to blame for the softness of his hands and the way his watch rests against his wrist.

Ronan did that.

And Adam let him.

They were at Nino's. Gansey, Blue, and Ronan were scarfing down pizza, and Adam was sipping on a soda. It went unsaid that Adam didn't have money to go in on the pizza, and it was pointless to offer to pay for him.

Instead, Ronan grabbed a particularly big slice and took a bite off of the end before dropping it in front of Adam. "I can't eat another fucking bite," he announced. "Get it out of my face, Parrish."

Adam made a small noise, but he took the slice and started to eat it.

The light catches on Adam's watch as he lifts his hand and Ronan considers admitting his feelings right then and there in front of everyone. His brain immediately launches into a ridiculous fantasy involving Adam gasping at the confession and then confessing his own feelings. Then Ronan would swipe all the pizza and drinks off the table and they'd proceed to make out, not caring at all who saw.

It was a nice fantasy, Ronan thought.

He'd only recently allowed himself to actually think about Adam like that. To picture them together, even if it was all a ridiculous fantasy. It was progress, he thought. In the process of Ronan Lynch coming to terms with who he is.

Step one: come out to some chick that hardly qualifies as your friend.

Step two: come to terms with the fact that Adam Parrish isn't just some boy you like to look at.

Step three: ...Well, Ronan hadn't gotten that far. But he will. Maybe it would be confessing his feelings to Adam. Or coming out to Gansey. Or his mom or Matthew or Declan or...

Okay, probably none of the above for a long time. But he was allowing himself to think about those things, and that was more than he could say about himself less than a year ago.

Ronan's thoughts are interrupted by the one and only doucheface Tad Carruthers prancing into Nino's with his pack of little shits.

Ronan watches as his friends go to sit down at a table, but Tad walks over to their table. Ronan's fists clench as Tad puts his hands on their table and leans towards Adam. "Parrish," he says. "You do exist outside of school and your fifty jobs, huh?"

Adam pressed his lips together. "Apparently."

Tad either doesn't notice that he's offending Adam or doesn't care. "I've been trying to track you down for a while, Parrish," he said. "Hear you're pretty good at Latin. I could really use some help, ya know. My dad'll kick my ass if I don't pass the next quiz."

And then Ronan wasn't the only pissed one. Everyone at the table was immediately annoyed. _No,_ Ronan wanted to say. _Because if your dad was going to hurt you, you wouldn't announce it like that._

"How difficult that must be" Adam deadpanned. He then gave Tad a look that Ronan realized was one of his own. He liked seeing it on Adam. It suited him.

"Yeah, so, could you help me out?" Tad continued as if nothing had happened. "We got that quiz on Monday. Maybe we could study?"

Adam's expression didn't waver. "I've got to work," he said. "Plus, Ronan's better at Latin than I am. He's the one who helps me."

"You sure?" Tad asked, eyeing Ronan. "I've got a six-pack of beer with our names on it. Just blow off work for once and-"

"He's working, Carruthers," Ronan snapped. "And he doesn't drink. So fuck off and run back to your little pack of dogs."

Tad rolled his eyes, but he knew better than to go up against Ronan. "Whatever," he said. "Let me know if you change your mind." And then he was walking back to his table, and Ronan felt some of his anger dissipate. Adam looked towards him, and Ronan allowed himself to hold his gaze for a moment before he looked away.

"Who was that lovely boy?" Blue asked sarcastically.

"Tad Carruthers," Gansey said. "He goes to Aglionby."

"He's a dumb fuck, that's what he is" Ronan mumbled. He caught Adam's eye, and Adam smirked. A bit more of the anger leaked out.

"He's got a weird thing about Adam" Noah said.

"I don't know if I'd say that," Gansey said. "But uh... Adam you should probably stay away from him."

Adam raised his eyebrows. "Why?" he asked.

"It's just... You know what everyone's been saying about him and his roommate" Gansey said.

Ronan felt his heart start to beat faster. He _had_ heard what people have been saying. He was about to say something-anything-to change the subject, but then of course Noah said, "No! What're people saying?"

Gansey looked nervously over at Tad's table and dropped his voice. "That him and his roommate... _do stuff,_ " he said. "Guess he says 'a mouth is a mouth.' It's pretty..."

"Pretty _what?_ " Blue interrupts. "Pretty what, Gansey? Please, finish that sentence with something that isn't homophobic."

Gansey goes still and starts to open and close his mouth a bunch of times. Ronan feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. He wants to leave. He wants to leave, _now_.

"I didn't- No, that's not what-" Gansey rambled. "Adam doesn't want to do _that_ anyways!"

"And how would you know that?" Blue snapped. "God, Gansey you're so hetero-normative!"

"I'm _what?_ " Gansey asked.

"I _don't_ want to do that with _Tad_ " Adam contributed.

Fuck, Ronan wants to leave. He knows Blue is about to blow up on Gansey and he's freaking terrified that she's going to blurt out the truth about Ronan.

"Have you _ever_ considered that someone around you might not be straight? That you might be offending them? That you might be-"

"Maggot!" Ronan blurted out. "That's enough. Just leave Gansey the fuck alone, alright? We need to leave."

Blue stared at him with her mouth open mid-rant. "What?"

"I said we need to leave!" Ronan snapped. He stood up out of the booth and grabbed Blue's arm. "Let's go. You can finish your rant in the car."

"Wha- I- Where're you going?" Gansey asked, looking rather flabbergasted.

"Out" Ronan said as he tossed a twenty on the table and pulled Blue out of the restaurant.

* * *

**Blue:**

"What is your problem?" Blue asked as the BMW tore out of the Nino's parking lot.

" _My_ problem?" Ronan snapped. "What is _your_ problem? I don't need you to be my fucking defense squad or something! Jesus fucking christ..."

"Get off your high horse, Ronan," Blue said. "What I said didn't have anything to do with you, okay? Gansey was being stupid. I would've yelled at him whether I knew what I know about you or not."

Ronan tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "He wasn't..." he said. "He doesn't know..."

"He was being an idiot," Blue said. "And it's my personal mission to call him out whenever he acts like that, alright? It doesn't have anything to do with you."

Ronan swerved and pulled off the road one to the same empty space he and Blue parked at the other day. He stared at his hands, still gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. He let out a long breath, not looking at Blue. "How the hell am I ever going to tell him if I can't even handle him _discussing_ the topic?"

Blue sighed. She leaned her head against the window of the car. "You don't have to tell him anything if you're not ready" she said.

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Great, thanks Dr. Maggot."

Blue snorted. "Shut up," she said. "I'm serious."

"Yeah," he said. "I know." Ronan's grip on the wheel finally loosened, and he let his hands drop. He looked over at Blue, and his expression was surprisingly unguarded. "I want to tell him, but..." The rest of the sentence hung silently in the air. _I'm scared._

"I'll go with you," Blue said. "If you want. To tell him. I'll kick his ass if he says anything stupid."

Ronan gave her a look that had a hint of a smile. "I'd pay to see that."

Blue really did smile at him now. "I think Gansey was right all the times he told us to get over it and be nice to each other," she said.

The corner of Ronan's mouth twitched. "Maybe" he admitted.

"I don't know what the issue was" she said.

Ronan started to chew on the leather bands on his wrist. "I, uh... Hated you."

Blue rolled her eyes. "Yeah," she said. "I'm aware. I wasn't too fond of you either."

"That's cuz I was an asshole to you," Ronan said. "Well, less than I am now."

Blue laughed. "I'm also aware of that."

She glanced over at Ronan and realized that he'd gone from relaxed back to nervous and anxious again. As if he were about to confess something.

Turns out she was right because a second later Ronan blurted out, "I was jealous."

Blue frowned. "Of what?" she asked. "My height?"

Ronan snorted. "No, Maggot. Not your height," he said. He nervously ran his hand up and down his thigh. "I... Of Adam." 

"Of Adam?" Why would he be... _Oh_. "Oh... Oh, Ronan. You and Adam?"

Ronan stared out the window and shook his head. "No, no, he..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "He doesn't know. He's straight, he's... And even if he wasn't he would never..."

"Ronan-" Blue reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Ronan shrugged him off.

"It's nothing, alright?" he said. "We're not talking about this. I just wanted to explain myself, and I did." Ronan put the car in gear and pulled back on to the road, heading back to town.

"Okay," Blue said. "But you'll never know unless you talk to him about it."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Maybe Gansey was wrong after all about us being friends."

Blue laughed and punched him in the arm. "Shut the hell up."

Ronan smiled at her. "Thanks," he said quietly. "And if you open your mouth I'll fucking kill you."

Blue rolled the window down and stuck her arm out, laughing. "Oohhh," she teased. "So scary."

Ronan smirked and pressed down on the gas. "Damn right I am."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya liked this chapter! There'll be more pynch interaction in the next couple chapters! Lemme know what you thought!


	3. Questions

**Adam:**

By that night, Adam's head was overflowing with questions.

Some of them were older questions, ones that had been brewing for a while now, and some of them were just ones that came to surface today. Either way, there were too many questions to keep inside. They were overflowing, and some were bound to escape.

And so that night when he and Ronan were sitting on his bed studying for Latin, they started to come out.

"Do you think that stuff about Tad is true?" he asked after a spout of silence.

Ronan tensed and glanced sideways at Adam. "Fuck if I know."

"I mean about his roommate," Adam pressed. "And about... Me..."

Ronan stared down at his lap. He looked uncomfortable. "I said 'fuck if I know.'"

Adam sighed. He pushed his Latin book off his lap and slumped against the wall. He looked away from Ronan when he asked the next question. "Do you think that stuff is true?" he asked. "About... A mouth being a mouth?"

Ronan started to chew on his bracelets. His leg had started to bounce. Adam felt his own heart pounding over this topic, and he wondered if Ronan's was too.

"Fuck, no," Ronan said casually. Or, at least, what he thought was casual. "Maybe for assholes like Declan and Carruthers. But not for decent human beings."

Adam repressed a grin. "And you're more decent than they are?" he asked.

Ronan glanced at him. "When it comes to that stuff... Yes" he said.

"So... So you'd only do that stuff with someone you care about?" Adam asked because suddenly he _needed_ to know. He needed to know if Ronan had done that stuff with anyone. If he cared that much about anyone. If he cared that much about _Adam_.

"That's what I fuckin' said, isn't it?" Ronan grit out.

_Well_ , Adam wanted to say. _Not really._ Instead he said, "So, you're a virgin?" The words just exploded out of his mouth, and as soon as they did he wanted to grab them back. Jesus christ, what was wrong with him?

There was silence and Adam was about to apologize and take the question back, but then Ronan answered, "So what if I am?"

"So- Uh, nothing," Adam rambled. "I... I am, so... S'not a big deal."

In the following moment of silence, Adam's heart was in his throat and he waited for it to jump out completely. He needed Ronan to answer, he need to know.

"So am I."

Relief flooded Adam's body. _There's no one else,_ his brain screamed. _No dumb girl. Nothing ever happened between him and Kavinsky. There's no one else._

"Oh," was all Adam said.

There was silence before Ronan said, "So is Gansey, so we're all a bunch of losers."

Adam laughed even though he already knew that. But he also knew Gansey had gotten significantly closer than he ever had. "Do you think Noah is?"

Ronan opened his mouth and then stopped. "I have no fucking clue" he said finally.

Adam smiled. "Me neither," he said. Ronan leaned back against the wall, and his t-shirt rode up a little bit. But Adam would not look because he wasn't the type of person to get all excited over a strip of flesh that's he's a seen a thousand times whenever Ronan lounges around Monmouth. Plus, that was a cliche. And so instead of asking he asked the next question that popped into his mind.

"Have you kissed anyone?"

Ronan's face became unreadable. "Parrish, I'm almost eighteen years old."

Adam's heart sunk. "So?" he snapped. "I _am_ eighteen and I... haven't..." His ears immediately turned pink. Why had he felt the need to tell Ronan that?

Ronan's head snapped in Adam's direction. "You and Blue didn't-"

"No" Adam said. He didn't include that he'd wanted to at the time. Now, he was kind of glad they hadn't kissed.

"Oh," Ronan said, and he didn't sound too sad about it. He glanced at Adam and smirked. "I haven't either."

"You haven't-" Adam said, a smile spreading across his face. He punched Ronan in the arm. "You asshole!"

Ronan laughed and shoved Adam over on the bed. "I never said I had," he defended. "I just stated that I'm almost eighteen."

"Asshole," Adam repeated. He propped himself up on his elbows and studied Ronan. He looked relaxed, and Adam figured it was good time to throw some more questions out there. "Do you think it's really all it's hyped up to be?"

Ronan cocked his head to the side. "The hell are you talking about?"

"Kissing," Adam said. "Do you think it's as great as everyone says it is?"

Ronan snorted. "How the fuck would I know?" he said because that's his go to asshole response, but then he took a moment to actually think. "Yeah. Probably. It's got to be, right? Shit, Parrish, you've never had sex either, but you don't question how good that'll be."

"Well, yeah," Adam said. "But that's because, I've... you know... gotten off before."

And then almost instantly there are two bright red boys sitting next to each other on a bed who are way more uncomfortable with this topic than anyone who was 'just friends' would be.

"Fucking- Jesus fucking christ, Parrish..." The swearing only continued from there, and Adam let him for a little while before he interrupted him with yet another question. "So you'd only kiss someone you've got real feelings for?"

Ronan simply raised his eyebrows.

"So does that mean there hasn't been anyone you've had real feelings for?" Adam pressed on. His heart was pounding in his chest as he waited for a response. The hell was he even doing?

Ronan looked away from Adam. "I didn't fucking say that," he said. "I... The other person has to have those feelings too."

Adam's heart skipped a beat. He wasn't missing the lack of gender specific pronouns. "How do you know they don't?"

Ronan's hands curled into fists. "Because they don't."

"Or you're an idiot for assuming and-"

"Let's go." Ronan tossed his books off the bed and stood up.

Adam frowned at him. "Go?" he asked. "Where? I only have an hour before I have to get to work-"

"I know," Ronan said as he grabbed his keys off Adam's desk. "So let's fucking go. I'm buying you some freaking ice cream. And before you go all 'oh no, Lynch, you're not paying' consider this to be my payment for ending this fucking conversation."

Adam sighed, resigned. He set his book aside and stood up. "Alright," he said. "Let's go."

* * *

**Ronan:**

Ronan was loosing his shit.

Why the hell he thought it was good idea to escape a conversation about sex and relationships with Adam by buying him a freaking ice cream cone. That boy's fucking tongue- Ronan thought his hands were a lot.

Ronan wanted to know why Adam was asking all of this in the first place, but he wasn't about to ask another fucking question. Plus, the reasoning that the fantasy section of his brain was providing were much better than what the reality probably was.

Either way, after spending half an hour watching Adam molest an ice cream cone with his tongue he was now driving Adam back to the church.

"I can't believe you put that stupid tape in my car," Adam was saying. "You should've seen Blue's face when she heard it. So much judgement, even from her."

Ronan smirked. "I thought you'd enjoy it." What he didn't say was that he'd also made an entirely separate playlist on his youtube full of songs that _actually_ reminded him of Adam. Or that most of them were Troye Sivan. Ronan was trying to make most of his secrets known, but some things were better left unsaid.

"I much preferred the hand lotion."

Ronan pressed his lips together. Fucking Parrish. They'd made it this long without ever talking about it, why the hell was he doing it now? Then again they were talking about a lot of things they'd never talked about before.

"I bet" Ronan managed, trying his best to sound casual. He pulled into the church parking lot.

"And the watch" Adam added. He sounded... Well, not casual.

Ronan made a noise in the back of his throat. "I've got to grab my shit before going back to Monmouth," he said as he got out of the car. "You need to get to work."

Adam got out of the BMW, but instead of getting into his own car he grabbed Ronan's wrist to stop him from walking towards the church. "I never got to thank you," he said awkwardly. "For... that stuff."

Ronan shrugged and looked anywhere but at Adam. "S'not like I paid for it."

"Still." Adam's hand was still on his arm.

"It's not a big deal" Ronan said.

"It is," Adam said. "To me, at least."

Adam stepped closer, and Ronan thought he might die right then and there. Finally, Ronan looked at him, and anything harsh about his expression that may have remained completely vanished. Adam was just staring at him so openly. It took every fiber of Ronan's being not to confess everything right then and there.

Adam pressed his lips together. Ronan was about to break the moment, but Adam lifted his other hand and rubbed the back of his own neck. "I..." he started cautiously. "Look, please don't hate me or freak out if I'm completely wrong here, okay?"

Ronan swallowed. "Wrong about what?" he asked, even though he prayed Adam was talking about what he thought he was.

"About... Everything. Us. I-" Adam bit down on his lip and closed his eyes for a moment. "Just promise, will you?"

Ronan let out a shaking breath. "I promise" he said because of course he did. There was nothing Adam could ever do that would make Ronan hate him because no matter how freaking hard he's tried, he just can't. It's not possible. In a world where dream thieving and psychic readings are possible, Ronan Lynch hating Adam Parrish is not.

Adam nodded slowly and lifted a hand. He placed it on the spot where Ronan's neck and shoulder met. Ronan nearly died. "I just..." He leaned closer. He was _so_ close. Ronan didn't move an inch. He couldn't. He couldn't take that leap, he couldn't be the one to kiss Adam. Even though it was so painstakingly obvious that that was what was going to happen. Adam was _so_ close, but Ronan couldn't. He was afraid. He was _so_ afraid that even though Adam's face was only a few inches from him that he was reading this wrong. That none of this was real. He couldn't.

So Adam did.

And then they were kissing. It wasn't hot or passionate or anything movie worthy. It was chaste and innocent and really nothing but lips on lips.

It was perfect.

And it was terrifying.

A moment later, Adam pulled away and Ronan realized that Adam was smiling. It was an honest, real smile, and Ronan's face involuntarily mirrored it.

Adam let his hands drop from where he was touching Ronan. He scratched the back of his neck and he backed up towards his own car. "Uh, I- uh... I gotta go," he said. He was laughing when he spoke, and it was the most beautiful thing Ronan had ever seen. "But... Will you be here when I get home?"

Ronan couldn't form words, so he just nodded. Adam nodded back. "O-okay" he said, and he slipped into his car. Ronan was still standing in the parking lot completely flabbergasted when Adam drove away.

Turns out kissing was everything it was hyped up to be after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya liked it! I'll update soon.


	4. After

**Gansey:**

Ronan wasn't here, but that wasn't all that surprising these days. He's never here. The only thing Gansey could take comfort in was knowing that he wasn't off street racing. No, he was with Adam.

He was always with Adam. Or Blue, apparently. Or what seemed like anyone but Gansey.

Ronan was keeping a secret. Gansey was a smart enough boy to realize that. It wasn't Ronan's normal type of secret either. The kind that was buried so deep that Gansey didn't even bother asking about. No, this was the type of secret that was right on the surface. Ready to explode. Gansey just couldn't figure out what it was. He had a theory, but...

No. He couldn't be right. There had to be something he was missing.

"Discover the answers to the universe yet?"

Gansey jumped and looked at Blue. They were hanging out at Monmouth, not really doing anything. Blue had homework to catch up on, and Gansey was trying to study. "What?" he asked.

"You had that look on your face that you get when you're lost in your head" she said.

Gansey smiled. "I was just thinking."

"Don't hurt yourself," Blue said. She smirked, proud of herself. Gansey made a face of mock hurt. "What's got you all worked up?"

Gansey sighed and took his glasses off. He ran his hands through his hair. Maybe his theory was wrong. He could just ask them... He should talk to Blue. He should. "Well, actually Jane," he started. "It's-"

And then Ronan walked through the door.

He came strutting into the room and walked directly over to the bed where he and Blue were sitting. As a force of habit, Gansey thought for a moment that Ronan was walking over to them for him, and not Blue. The moment passed.

"Maggot," he said. "Let's take a drive." Ronan's hands were fidgeting. He looked like he'd seen a ghost (or at least what a normal person would look like if they saw a ghost). He also looked like he was happy about seeing the ghost.

Blue raised her eyebrows at him. "I'm doing homework" she said.

Ronan rolled his eyes impatiently. He looked ridiculously anxious. Gansey wanted to comfort him, but he didn't even know for sure what the problem was.

" _Maggot_ " Ronan said as if that would help his cause.

"I'll go," Gansey said, and Ronan and Blue turned their gazes to him as if they'd temporarily forgotten he existed. "I haven't got anything better to do."

"I didn't ask _you_ to go for a drive, Dick," Ronan said. "I asked _her._ "

"But... _Why?_ " It just came out, Gansey really hadn't meant to say it.

"Why?" Blue repeated, already standing up off the bed. "Oh, why on earth would someone want to spend time with me? Why don't you ponder that while I go for a drive with Ronan?"

And then she and Ronan promptly stormed out of Monmouth.

Gansey seriously had no idea what was going on with his friends anymore.

* * *

**Blue:**

"He kissed you?"

"That's what I fucking said."

"On the mouth?"

"No. On my left pinkie toe."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"You're blushing."

"Fuck off." He was, though. He was bright red, and he was trying pretty hard not to smile. Blue had never seen Ronan like this.

"So, what happened?" she asked. They were parked in the middle of nowhere again, but at least this time he'd bought her a milkshake. She really preferred Ronan I Just Got Kissed By My Crush Lynch to Ronan Crap I Just Accidentally Came Out Lynch. They were both anxious, but this was happily anxious. "Did you tell him how you feel?"

Ronan took a sip of his milkshake and shook his head. "Didn't say a word."

"So he just... Kissed you?" Blue asked. "Completely out of the blue?"

"Fucking- I don't know!" Ronan exclaimed. He rubbed his hand over his buzzed hair. "We went out for ice cream-"

"This is your second ice cream of the day?"

Ronan glared at her. "I mean, continue" she said.

"We got back to the church and he... thanked me for the hand lotion I dreamed for him" he said awkwardly. He started to chew on his leather bands.

Blue couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. "You dreamed him _hand lotion?_ " she asked.

"Fuck off!" Ronan said, who was even redder than he was before. "His hands chap in the winter! It wasn't for any sleazy reasons or anything! Fucking hell, mother-"

"So he thanked you" Blue interrupted what she suspected would be a very long swear.

Ronan took a deep breath. "Yeah," he said. "And then he... He got all close and started saying weird shit like making me promise not to hate him if he was wrong."

"Wrong about what?" Blue asked as she sipped her milkshake.

"Fuck if I know," Ronan said. "I promised and then he kissed me."

"Wow," Blue said. "Then what happened?"

Ronan shrugged. "He got in his car and went to work," he said. "Then I came and got you."

"Wow," Blue repeated.

"Mmm."

Ronan was chewing on his leather bracelets again, and Blue continued to drink her milkshake. If Blue was being honest, she was a little surprised that she hadn't felt a speck of jealousy when Ronan told her that Adam kissed him. She was happy, actually, for Ronan. And Adam, too. Somehow in the few months she's known these boys her feelings for Adam have done a complete 180 and are now directed toward Gasney.

"This is all... fast" Ronan said.

Blue had to agree. "But... good fast?" she asked.

Ronan shrugged, but then a smile crept across his face. "Yeah," he said. "I think so. It's just... Less than a fuckin' week ago I'd never even told anyone that I'm... And now..." Ronan groaned and shifted in his seat. "This has been a lot of talking about my feelings."

Blue laughed. "You're the one who keeps dragging me out here to talk about your feelings!"

Ronan snorted. "I'm trying to be a more open person here," he said. "Self improvement and all that shit."

At that, Blue really did laugh.

"Shut the fuck up," Ronan said as he started the BMW and pulled back onto the road. "I gotta get to the church."

Blue smirked and took another sip of her shake. "Oh, I bet you do."

* * *

**Adam:**

By the time Adam got off work he was so ridiculously tired he'd almost forgotten that he'd kissed Ronan that afternoon.

Almost.

Even if he had he would've been kindly reminded when he walked into his apartment to find Ronan lying flat on his back on Adam's bed tossing a ball into the air repeatedly. He promptly dropped the ball when he saw Adam. He also opened his mouth to say something. Nothing came out.

"Hey," Adam said because it seemed like the right thing to say.

"Hey," Ronan said.

Adam gave a short nod before dropping his keys on his desk and shucking off his coveralls. He knew Ronan was staring at him, but he didn't care. He pulled on some flannel pants and walked over to the bed. Ronan had sat up and was ready to get out of the bed when Adam said, "Scoot over."

"Uh-"

"I'm tired," Adam said. "Scoot over."

Ronan finally closed his mouth and moved over on the bed. Adam climbed in and grabbed his blankets that had been kicked to the bottom of the bed. He pulled them up, and by doing so covering Ronan too. He could still feel Ronan's stare on him when he lied his head down on the pillow.

"Really, Parrish?" Ronan finally asked.

"Yeah," Adam said as he reached over to turn off the lamp. "I just worked a six-hour shift and I have another in five hours. I'm going to sleep."

The room went dark and Adam settled into his bed, but Ronan hadn't moved an inch. Adam really just wanted to go to sleep, and he wanted Ronan sleeping next to him.

"So this is how it's going to be?" Ronan asked, and Adam was surprised at how much contempt was in his words. It was enough for Adam to tense, too. "You're just going to act like it never happened?"

Adam rolled over to face Ronan. There was enough light coming through the window that he could make out Ronan's features, and just how guarded he looked. "That's not what I'm doing" he said.

Ronan made a noise in the back of his throat. "Fuck that," he said. "If it was some dumb pity thing or you regret it or whatever, then fine just-"

Adam leaned up and kissed him.

This time, Ronan pulled away almost immediately. "Stop it!" Ronan said, his voice pleading. "I- I can't- This isn't just some dumb thing for me, okay? It can't be. Hell, Parrish, I told you that _today,_ I-"

"Are you done?" Adam interrupted.

Ronan glared at him. "Fuck you-"

"Shut _up_ ," Adam said. "Will you _please_ just listen to me for a minute before you get all angry and storm out?"

Ronan took a deep breath. "Fine" he gritted out.

"I'm tired," Adam said, and he grabbed Ronan's arm when he tried to get up out of the bed. "I'm tired," he repeated. "So I'm just going to say this and we're going to sleep. Okay?"

Ronan didn't say anything, but he didn't try to leave again either.

"Okay," Adam said. "I knew what I was doing when I kissed you. I know that you only want to kiss someone that you have... You know, real feelings for. And I thought that... That you had those for me. But if I'm wrong then you know where the door is. If not, then... I thought we could be together. Dating. Boyfriends. Whatever."

Ronan didn't say anything, he just stared at Adam. Adam felt like his heart was in his throat. He swallowed and laid his head back down on his pillow. He rolled onto his side so he was facing away from Ronan. "If... If that's what you want then... Please, just lie down next to me and go to sleep, okay?"

Adam counted the seconds it took for Ronan to lie down beside him. Twenty-six.

It took him seventeen more seconds to put an arm around Adam, and for Adam to grab Ronan's hand in his and pull it to his chest.

Another twelve seconds for Ronan to say, "That'd be okay." Adam swore his heart stopped. "I mean the dating or boyfriends or whatever," he said. "That's... I want that."

Adam let out the breath he'd been holding. "Good."

Ronan shifted in the bed, settling in. "Good" he repeated.

Adam let his eyes fall closed. "Goodnight, Ronan."

"Yeah..." Ronan said in a voice quieter than Adam had ever heard from him. "Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked! Thanks for anyone who's reading, I'll update soon!


	5. Act Like It

**Ronan:**

To say that Ronan Lynch didn't know how to be in a relationship was an understatement.

Since the night they'd agreed to be "dating or boyfriends or whatever" Ronan had been rather lost on how to proceed. It'd only been about a week and he was still feeling like this was all a dream or a joke or something. He had spent so long pining after Adam and had completely resolved that nothing was ever going to happen, well... Now that it was he didn't know how to comprehend it.

Combining that with the fact that Adam was the chillest person to ever walk the earth, Ronan was loosing it.

But all of the kissing helped.

A lot.

"Are these right?" Adam asked as he handed Ronan his Latin worksheet.

Ronan looked it over and by no surprise all of Adam's answers were right. "Yup," he said, handing it back.

"Awesome," Adam said. He shoved the worksheet into his folder and tossed it on the ground. He stretched out on his bed next to Ronan. It was getting pretty late. They'd been eating pizza and doing homework-Well, Adam was doing homework-since Adam got off work a few hours ago. Adam reached over and grabbed Ronan's hand in his as if it were the most casual thing in the world. As if it didn't make Ronan's heart scream in his chest. "Are you going back to Monmouth tonight?"

Ronan shrugged. "I was planning on it," he said because he was. He had only been home one night since they got together and Gansey was getting more and more agitated. So, yes, he _was_ planning on it. But then Adam raised his hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of Ronan's hand. "I could stay," he said.

Adam smiled against Ronan's hand. "You should probably go," he said. "Gansey's close to loosing it with you gone all the time."

"Yeah." Ronan looked down at Adam, and worked to hold his gaze. He'd spent so long denying himself the action of looking at Adam for longer than a moment that it became instinct to look away. But he didn't need to do that now. No, now he could count the freckles on Adam's cheeks. He could think about kissing them. He bet he _could_ kiss them if he tried.

But there was still that voice... That voice telling him no. Not to push that onto Adam. It'd been there for so long, it wasn't something that disappeared after a week of pecks on the lips.

And so whenever they kissed it ended up being Adam who initiated it. Like now, when he leaned up and captured Ronan's lips with his. Ronan didn't hesitate to return it, though.

They were getting better at this, more confident. They moved their lips against each other's like it was second nature. Adam was always cupping Ronan's face in his hands, but Ronan kept his hands to himself. It was for the best that way.

Adam pulled away, but only enough that his lips were a few inches from Ronan's. "We need to tell Gansey," he said quietly.

Ronan tensed. "Tell him what?"

Adam leaned back enough for Ronan to see him roll his eyes. "Does he know?" he asked. "That you're gay?"

"No," Ronan said. _Because the idea of telling him absolutely terrifies me,_ he wanted to say. Instead, he said "He's a fucking republican."

"His _family_ is," Adam said. "And you're a Catholic, so..."

Ronan shot him a look. He was well aware of how majority of his religion felt about homosexuality. He's spent more than enough time considering the probability of going to hell for it, and decided that he's going to hell for entirely different reasons. It may have involved listening to Troye Sivan's heaven a ridiculous amount of times.

"Sorry, that was..." Adam said awkwardly when Ronan didn't respond. "But we need to tell him."

"I know," Ronan said. His hand was still in Adam's, and he started to rub his thumb back and forth over the back of his hand. "Can we just wait a little longer?"

Adam nodded, evidently not too eager to tell Gansey either. He leaned over and placed his lips on the corner of Ronan's mouth. "I have an idea of how we can pass the time," he said.

Ronan laughed. "You're the fucking worst."

"I know," Adam said, and they kissed.

* * *

**Adam:**

Yet another week later, Adam and Ronan found themselves kissing yet again, but now they were in the kitchen/bathroom of Monmouth.

Gansey, Blue, and Noah had gone out for pizza leaving Ronan and Adam alone. And really, what else were they to do but kiss? So when Ronan went to grab soda from the fridge, Adam walked up behind him and put his lips on Ronan's neck. Ronan immediately turned around and hesitantly caught Adam's lips with his.

That was at least ten minutes ago.

Adam knew this because at least three songs had played since that first hesitant kiss. Hesitant was a good word to describe Ronan, Adam thought. Hesitant about cuddling too close at night. About kissing. About moving his hands past Adam's shoulders when doing said kissing.

Adam was okay with that. He liked the innocent kissing, he did.

But he was also eighteen. And he'd gone those eighteen years without doing _anything_ with _anyone_. It wasn't that he wanted to jump Ronan's bones (yet) but he wouldn't mind some... Second base kind of action.

And so when the forth song started Adam took his hands from Ronan's cheeks and put them on his waist. Ronan didn't react, and Adam was starting to feel a bit more confident. He slipped his hands under Ronan's t-shirt and carefully touched his stomach.

Ronan's breath hitched, and he broke the kiss.

Adam immediately removed his hands. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought..."

"It's fine," Ronan said, but he turned away from Adam and leaned against the sink.

Adam hesitantly put a hand on Ronan's back. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I won't do it again if you don't want me to."

"I didn't..." Ronan took a deep breath. "I didn't say that."

"I don't understand," Adam said as he inched closer to Ronan. "I- Are you asexual?"

Ronan turned to look at him. "What?"

"Uh, it's okay if you are," Adam said awkwardly. "I'd be okay with just kissing. Really."

Ronan let out a long breath. "I'm not asexual, Parrish," he said. "Where the hell would you get that idea?"

Adam threw his hands into the air. " _Because_ ," he said. "You get all nervous about touching me! You won't press your body against mine when we sleep and you won't move your hands when we kiss! I was just trying to... Figure it out."

Ronan groaned and put his hands on his head. "Jesus fucking christ, Parrish," he said. "I don't do that stuff because I know if I do I'll... I'll... I'll fucking _react,_ okay?"

Adam took a moment to let that sink in before he burst out laughing. "You're worried you'll get a hard-on?" he asked.

Ronan was bright red. "Fuck off."

He tried to push his way past Adam, but he grabbed his arm. "No, no, hold on," he said as he got his laughter under control. "Why would you _reacting_ be a bad thing?"

Ronan's hands were clenched into fists at his side. "You're not getting the fucking point," he said.

"Then explain it," Adam said, moving his hand down Ronan's arm until he grabbed Ronan's hand in his. Ronan immediately released the fist he was making.

"I..." Ronan swallowed. He was looking anywhere but at Adam. "I know that you... _React_ to girls. And... It's okay. I get it. I accepted it a long time ago. And you telling me that you have feelings for me and kissing me... It's more than I ever thought would happen. But..."

"But what?" Adam pressed on.

Ronan bit his lip and stared at the ceiling. "But what if we do more than kissing and you realize that... That you don't want this," he said. "That you'd rather be doing this shit with a girl. That-"

"Ronan," Adam interrupted.

Ronan closed his eyes.

" _Ronan,_ " Adam repeated. He took Ronan's face in his hands to force him to look at him. "That's not going to happen, okay? I know what I'm doing. You've got your weird thing about lying, well I've got my thing about being in control of my body."

"But-"

"But nothing," Adam said. "There's this word. Bisexual. Ever heard of it? It means-"

"I know what it means," Ronan said.

"Then act like it." He slowly leaned up and kissed Ronan on the lips. Ronan kissed back, but nothing more. "Act like it," he repeated as he took Ronan's hands and put them on his waist and kissed him again. He knew that egging on Ronan like this would work. Adam could tell he was getting worked up. "Act like it" he said again as he pulled his shirt off and threw it on the ground.

This time, Ronan acted like it.

The grip of his left hand on Adam's hip tightened. His right hand moved to Adam's hair as he pulled Adam in for a real kiss. Adam's hands went to Ronan's neck and they kissed with more passion then they ever had. This, Adam thought. Felt like a dream.

Feeling courageous, he pushed his tongue into Ronan's mouth, and Ronan reacted. God, Adam liked Ronan reacting. Then they were walking backwards until Adam was pressed against the fridge. It was cold against Adam's bare back, but the rest of his body was on fire. He put his hands on Ronan's hips and pulled him flush against him. Ronan was right, he _had_ reacted. He could feel it against his stomach. But so had Adam. And he knew Ronan could feel it, too.

Adam slipped his hands under Ronan's t-shirt again-causing Ronan to make an embarrassing noise in the back of his throat-and in that same moment they heard the door to Monmouth open.


	6. Grow Up and Talk

**Ronan:**

Ronan felt like punching someone. Or leaving. Or both. He mainly wanted to leave.

He was standing awkwardly next to Adam in the Monmouth kitchen/bathroom. Adam, who was still topless since he only had time to grab his shirt from the ground and clutch it to his chest before Gansey, Blue and Noah walked in, seemed equally as uncomfortable.

"The hell is going on?" Gansey asked.

Ronan and Adam looked down at the boxes of food they'd knocked over when they sprang apart at the sound of the door opening. Ronan shifted awkwardly as he tried to think about dead bugs and his grandma naked.

"Uh," Adam said. "We were just... messing around."

Blue snorted. Gansey frowned. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" he asked.

"Uh... I spilled on it," Adam said awkwardly. He bunched his shirt up even more to make sure it wasn't obvious that he'd just blatantly lied.

"Uh, okay," Gansey said. "Well you can borrow a shirt from me."

"Fuck that," Ronan said as he grabbed Adam's arm and pulled him past everyone towards his room. "You're not putting Parrish in a polo-shirt."

Blue laughed again at that. She grabbed Ronan's arm as he passed and leaned close. "Are you alright?" she asked quietly enough that he was the only one who heard. Ronan raised his eyebrows at her, and a laugh escaped her mouth. "Well, it's just you look pretty thirsty. Adam, too."

"Fuck you," he said back. He felt Gansey eyeing them, so he hurried off with Adam into his room.

As soon as his door closed, Adam started laughing. "Holy shit," he said.

Ronan stared at him. He was still shirtless. He was flushed and breathing hard. His pupils were blown, and he was smiling like no other. Once again, Ronan saw himself in Adam. In the euphoria and happiness from the thrill of everything that'd just happened. Was this the influence he was having on Adam? If so, was that a good thing?

Yes, Ronan decided as Adam walked up and cupped his face in his hands. He kissed him, long and hard.

"Jesus christ, Parrish," Ronan said as they pulled apart.

Adam smirked. "Maybe we shouldn't tell Gansey for a while," he said. "Keep it between us."

Ronan eyed him. A wicked smile spread across his face. "Fuck, you get off on it, don't you?" he asked. "You like the thrill of sneaking around?"

Adam's face turned red. "I didn't-" he said, wrapping his arms around himself. "Get me a shirt would you?"

A laugh escaped Ronan's mouth as he walked over to his dresser. He dug through his clothes to try and find something with sleeves that wouldn't look ridiculous on Adam. He was about to toss him a t-shirt, but then he hesitated as his eye caught something else.

After a short pause he grabbed the grey long sleeve shirt and tossed it to Adam. The shirt was nearly big on Ronan, so he knew it would hang off Adam. Sure enough, as Adam shrugged the shirt on it was obvious it was too big. The sleeves covered most of his hands and the collar hung low enough that Ronan could see his collar bones.

Ronan resisted the urge to tell Adam to keep the shirt forever.

He also resisted the urge to tell him how adorable he looked. But he didn't because Ronan Lynch didn't call _anything_ adorable.

"It's a little big," Adam said.

Ronan shrugged. He held up a black wife-beater. "Could wear this if you want."

Adam rolled his eyes. He awkwardly shuffled over to Ronan's bed. He eyed Ronan as if he were asking permission to sit. Ronan rolled his eyes and nodded. As if Ronan wouldn't allow Adam to sit on his bed when he'd just spent multiple weeks sleeping on Adam's.

Adam sat down on Ronan's bed and wrapped his arms around his knees. _Emphasis on adorable,_ Ronan thought. Adam suddenly looked timid. Was he embarrassed about what had just happened between them? Was the thrill gone only to be replaced by regret?

Ronan sat down on the bed across from Adam. "We should probably go out there," Adam said. "They're probably wondering what we're doing in here."

Ronan balled his hands into fists and ran them up and down his thighs. "I'm sorry," he blurted out.

Adam's head snapped in his direction. "For what?" he asked.

Ronan didn't look at him. "For, uh," he took a deep breath. "For what just happened. I got... Carried away."

" _What?_ "

Ronan stood up off the bed and crossed his arms. "But I fucking told you I would," he snapped. He knew he shouldn't be angry right now, but it was his default emotion. "I- I was-"

"Making out with your boyfriend?" Adam finished. He scooted across the bed so he was directly in front of Ronan. He was still sitting down, so he had to look even more up at Ronan than he normally did. But when their eyes met, Ronan was surprised to find that Adam didn't angry in the slightest. Sad, maybe.

Immediately, Ronan began to feel his anger dissipate. Instead, he felt guilty.

Adam extended a hand, and Ronan hesitantly took it.

"It's okay, really," Adam said. "If anyone got carried away, it was me. I'm the one who took off my shirt and egged you on."

Ronan didn't respond. He simply rubbed his thumb back and forth over the back of Adam's hand.

Adam released a long breath. "If, um, if I pushed you too much," he said. "Than I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I know this is hard for you-"

Ronan snapped his hand away. His defensive walls were going up, and they were going up quickly. "It's not," he snapped. "I'm fine."

Adam eyed him. "Okay."

Ronan nodded. "We should go out there," he said, and he didn't wait for Adam to agree. Instead he went into the living room, briefly considered getting super drunk, but decided better of it and told the maggot to get into his car.

* * *

**Blue:**

"Why are you so stupid?"

"Fuck you, maggot," Ronan said. He hadn't even bothered parking this time. He needed to drive, and so as soon as he got on the open road he started to tell Blue everything that happened.

"Seriously," Blue said. "Adam strips out of his shirt and runs his hands all over you, and you're worried he's not attracted to you."

Ronan growled and pressed the gas even harder. "He doesn't know what he wants," he said.

"Oh my gosh," Blue said in a tone of fake surprise. "You are so right! Adam Parrish is _actually_ a child. He doesn't know anything at all. He actually comes on to everyone he knows, and just has to hope that the people he comes on to know whether or not he _really_ wants to bang them."

"Fuck. You. Maggot."

"I'm serious," Blue said. Ronan shook his head. He looked ridiculously tense. "I don't know what psychological problems you've got going on, but Adam wants you. Trust me, as someone who has previously dated Adam Parrish I can tell you he is very straight forward about what he wants."

Ronan shot her a look that could kill. Blue held up her hands. "Not that anything happened," she said slowly.

"Better fuckin' not of," Ronan growled. "Asshole told me I was his first kiss."

Blue gasped. "You _were_?" she asked. "Was he yours?"

Ronan gave her another look. "Um, anyways," Blue said. "I think you need to get over yourself and turn this stupid car around drive back home."

"Why the fuck would I want to do that?" Ronan asked. "You're supposed to be helping me here, and all you've done is insult me."

Blue rolled her eyes. "I _am_ helping you," she said. "By telling you that you need to go talk through your stupid problems with your boyfriend instead of me. Tell him what's going on in your screwed up head. If you don't want to ruin this relationship than you're going to need to use your words."

Ronan's response was a string of swear words, but he pulled his car over, turned it around, and drove back home.

* * *

**Ronan** **:**

It was nighttime before Ronan let himself into Adam's apartment. Adam had been lying in bed reading, the room only illuminated by his bedside lamp. He was still wearing Ronan's shirt.

Adam eyed him as he closed the apartment door and kicked off his shoes. "Your timing's crappy," he said as he closed his book and set it aside. "I'm about to go to sleep."

Ronan shrugged. He was already in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He shuffled over to the bed, and Adam scooted over to give him room. He heard Adam let out a sigh as he settled in beside him. "Ronan, about today-" he started, but Ronan cut him off.

"Wait," he said. "Just, let me explain." Ronan reached over and turned off the bedside lamp. He needed to because he couldn't say everything he needed to say with it on. In the darkness, somewhere that Ronan couldn't see Adam's piercing eyes, he could tell the truth. He could say what he needed to.

Ronan settled down in the bed. Adam was lying flat on his back, but Ronan lied down half on his side so that he was pressed flushed against Adam. He reached over and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. He nuzzled his head into the crook of Adam's neck, but he made sure he was on Adam's hearing side so he could speak quietly.

He sucked in a breath, and held it for a long, long time.

"I'm scared," Ronan finally forced himself to say. "I hate that I have to fucking say this to you but I am."

Adam didn't say anything, but he squeezed Ronan's hand.

Ronan squeezed back, and continued. "I used to have dreams," he said. "About you. We'd be pretty much like we are now, but... But then you would start saying things to me. That you would never feel the same way about me. That you thought I was disgusting. That you hated me for it and so did Gansey and Noah and-"

"I would never say any of that," Adam said. His voice was soft, and his accent was slipping.

"I know you wouldn't, okay?" Ronan said. His voice was a little too harsh, so he forced himself to calm down. "But in my dreams you did. I know it's my own fucked up mind, but... But it's still there. That stupid voice telling me I'm disgusting."

Adam squeezed his hand even tighter. "I get it," he said.

Ronan snorted. "Do you?" he asked. "Because he seem pretty fucking chill about all of this."

Adam hesitated. The moment dragged on, and Ronan realized his mistake. But before he could apologize for it, Adam said, "Yeah. But the voice in my head is my father's."

"Fuck," Ronan whispered. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Adam said, his voice drawling on the I in fine.

Ronan shook his head lightly. "Fuck, no it's not," he said. "You're so... Shit, Adam. You're such a better person than I am, and it's just so hard to believe that someone like you would actually want someone like me."

Adam sucked in a breath, but Ronan didn't let him say whatever he was going to.

"I'm serious," he pressed on because now he'd started and he couldn't stop. "I've wanted you since I met you, Adam. At first it was just that you were... That you were beautiful. I tried not to let myself think about, but sometimes I just couldn't help but look at you. And then I got to know you and... And I knew I was fucked. Your stupid stubbornness and you're funny as fuck and you go along with my stupid ideas and you're just..."

Ronan stopped, and he heard Adam suck in another breath. Only this time the breath... It sounded like...

Ronan lifted his head and strained to see Adam in the dim light of the apartment. "Shit, are you crying?" He immediately felt like someone had just plunged a knife into his heart. What the fuck had he done? He was just trying to be honest and-

Adam took his hand out of Ronan's hand wiped his cheek. He sniffled. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I- It's just that no one's ever said that kind of stuff about me before."

Ronan let out a long breath. He lied back down and pressed his forehead against Adam's jaw. "Please," he scoffed. "Gansey thinks all of this about you, just minus all the gay."

Adam laughed lightly. He sniffled again and nudged Ronan's face with his nose until he lifted his face to be even with Adam's. "No making fun of me for crying," he whispered. "Or else I tell everyone how beautiful you think I am."

Ronan laughed lightly. Adam's lips were hardly an inch from his. "I won't," he said. "Cause I think you're so fucking beautiful, and that would be embarrassing to leave the darkness of this apartment."

Adam finally kissed him, and he was smiling against his lips. Ronan was smiling, too. Suddenly, the world melted away. The insecurities, the hesitance, the embarrassment. It was him and Adam, and Adam and him. It was lips and tongues and hands. It was quick breaths, and small gasps escaping both of their mouths. It was Ronan's hands in Adam's hair, and Adam's hands slipping under Ronan's shirt.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

And Ronan said yes because of course it was. He would give over anything and everything to Adam Parrish without a second thought. So then his shirt was gone and discarded on the ground. But then they shifted, and Adam was pushing Ronan onto his back. Adam moved slowly, keeping Ronan's eye as he straddled Ronan's hips.

Ronan's heart skipped a beat as Adam pressed his body down onto his. Ronan was hard, and it was painfully obvious that Adam could feel it. But Ronan could feel Adam, too.

And that meant that Adam wanted him. That he was hard, and Ronan did that to him. That Ronan wasn't a freak for wanting this. No, he and Adam were just two people who wanted to be together.

And so when Adam leaned down, elbows on either side of Ronan's head, and slowly ground his hips against Ronan's, Ronan gasped and put his hands on Adam's waist. He immediately felt the fabric of the shirt that Ronan had given him earlier that day. Part of him wanted Adam to stay in that shirt forever, but a bigger part fisted his hands in the shirt and pulled lightly.

Adam leaned back and lifted his arms so Ronan could pull the shirt over his head and toss it aside. Ronan immediately wished that he'd left the light on so he could admire Adam, but that wish faded as Adam leaned down.

Ronan was prepared to meet Adam's lips with his, but instead Adam's lips found his neck. Ronan pressed his lips together as not to let out an audible moan. Only a second later Adam ground his hips down again, and a groan escaped from the back of his throat.

Ronan's hands found Adam's hips again and his hips moved to meet Adam's. It was thrilling and it was terrifying and it was fantastic. It didn't take long for the boys' hips to find a rhythm as they moved against each other.

Ronan's sweatpants and boxers. Adam's pajama pants and his boxers. Those were the only layers separating them from each other. Ronan was so painfully hard, and he could hardly control the noises coming out of him.

Adam gave up on his neck. He moved to try to kiss him, but they were really just breathing into each other's mouths.

" _Ronan,_ " Adam said. It was nothing more than a whisper, but it was a lot at the same time.

Their bodies ground against each other's. Ronan's hands were still clutching at Adam's hips, not because he was afraid to move them, but because he needed to be grounded to the moment.

Ronan was embarrassed about what he had to say next, but he needed to say it or else it would get a whole lot more embarrassing, and quickly. "Fuck, Adam," he breath. "Fuck, we need to stop, or... Or... I'm close, Adam."

Adam snapped his hips forward against Ronan's, and they both groaned. "So am I," Adam breathed.

And then Ronan nearly died. Adam couldn't have meant that, could he? Could he really be driven to near orgasm from simply this?

Well, Ronan fucking was.

A moment later when Adam groaned and said-his accent thick-"Fuck, Ronan. I'm going to cum," Ronan lost it. Completely.

Ronan dug his hands into Adam's hips and his own hips jerked uncontrollably as his orgasm ripped through him. He knew it was embarrassing to cream your shorts, but Ronan couldn't bring himself to care. He'd gotten himself off a thousand times, but it had never felt like this. This... This was something else entirely.

As if it were possible for it to get anymore intense, Adam's body tensed and he called out Ronan's name as his own orgasm ripped through him.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

When it was all over, Adam rolled off of Ronan and collapsed against his side. "Shit," he said.

Ronan let out a shaking breath. "Yeah," he agreed. "That... Shit."

Adam turned his head and met Ronan's eyes. "Please tell me you're not going to freak out and regret that," he said.

Ronan leaned forward and kissed Adam slowly. "There's no way in fucking hell I would ever regret that," he whispered.

"Good," Adam whispered back. "Because I don't either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit long but that's to make up for taking so long to update.  
> How ya liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! Lemme know what you thought, and I'll post the next one soon.


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